What If Confidence Was Never the Problem?

We talk a lot about confidence.

Be more confident. Take up space. Stop making yourself smaller.

But maybe confidence is actually the problem.

I’ve never struggled to believe I’m capable. I’ve competed at the highest level of my sport, built a career, started businesses, and figured out plenty of things people once told me were unlikely.

So confidence? I’ve got that. What I’ve struggled with is value, self-worth.

Do I believe I’m worthy of what I want?

There’s a difference between knowing what you’re capable of and believing you deserve the life you’re capable of building.

I think I learned to play small in ways I didn’t recognize for a long time. I grew up with a very specific idea of what a woman was supposed to be, and it took me years to separate what was actually me from what I had learned to be.

I see the same thing in dating.

I can know exactly what I bring to a relationship and still wonder if it will be enough. I can know what I want in a partner and still wonder if someone will choose me.

And disability adds another layer to that.

Last week in New York, I was reminded that there are some opportunities I simply cannot access in the same way other people can. No amount of confidence or work ethic will change that. And I hate that.

Sometimes a limitation is just a limitation and knowing your worth isn’t about believing you can have everything you want. Maybe it’s knowing that when you don’t get it, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

I’m still learning that. Especially as I make peace with being single.

I can want marriage. I can want a partner. I can hope that person exists. And I can also accept that none of it is guaranteed. I’m trying not to wait for someone else to arrive before I start becoming the person I want to be.

I’m still becoming.

Maybe confidence was never the problem.